The Book of Love
by Nerdherder51
Summary: When a "Book of Love" suddenly appears in the Winter Woods, no one knows how it got there or to whom it belongs. They are shocked when they find out. Rated M for mature themes and tasteless humor, lots and lots of tasteless humor. Category: Humor / Satire / Parody. Tinker Bell and friends. One Shot. Complete


**The Book of Love**

**Tinker Bell, Disney Fairies and all associated content are the property of The Walt Disney Company. Tinker Bell originated by author J.M. Barrie. This fan fiction is not for monetary gain and is solely intended for the entertainment of its audience.**

* * *

Tinker Bell and her friends Iridessa, Vidia, Silvermist and Fawn are in the main hall of the Winter Castle. Tink's sister Periwinkle and her friends Gliss and Spike join them. Sled and Rosetta slept in this morning and were late for the girl's usual get together. They have gathered around a large table where a strange book arrived today. The girls are curious because the tome is of a scandalous nature. The title reads:

101 Ways to Make Love: How to Make the Bedroom the Funroom

"How did this get here?" Tinker Bell asked.

"Did it wash up at the cove?" Silvermist asked.

"Nope, it's not wet and the pages aren't warped," Fawn observed.

"Are you suggesting someone brought it here on purpose?" Iridessa said disbelievingly.

"Hey, I see a mailing label on the back," Periwinkle told everyone.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, what's it say?" Gliss asked excitedly.

"It says you need to start drinking decaf," Spike answered.

"Good one," Vidia told her snark-buddy. Vidia and Spike became quick friends once they each realized that the other had a quick and caustic wit. The two would spend hours flying around the Winter Woods making snide and cutting remarks about everyone and everything. "I've wanted to tell her that for weeks, but I could never find the right opening."

"Hello?!" Gliss replied, "Chamomile tea _is_ decaf."

"Whoa," Vidia said, the realization setting in.

"Yeah, imagine putting up with that every day."

"Two words: Tinker-Bell."

"Oh, right."

Periwinkle just glared at the two.

"What does it read, Peri?" Tink asked again.

"It just says 'Mr. and Mrs. S. R. Faerie, Winter Woods, Never Land."

"Who are Mr. and Mrs. S. R. Faerie?" Fawn asked.

Periwinkle just shrugged her shoulders and said, "I don't know."

"I wonder what's inside." Tinker Bell said curiously.

"Seriously? With a title like that?" Spike responded.

"How about rainbows and unicorns?" Vidia said. Spike and Vidia knuckle bumped. Tinker Bell just glared at the two friends. Vidia then motioned for the tinker fairy to proceed.

"What? Me?" Tinker Bell asked.

"You asked," Vidia responded.

Tinker Bell approached the book, delicately opened its cover and peeked inside.

"EEEEP!" Tinker Bell shrieked. She dashed away from it as quickly as possible. "There are dirty pictures in there."

"I'll get a rag and we can clean them up," Silvermist helpfully suggested. All eyes were on her. "What?"

"Sil, were you dropped on your head as a child?" Vidia asked.

The water fairy had to stop and think about it for a moment. "I don't think so."

"Oh you've got to be kidding," Spike said. "Is she always like that?"

"Here watch this," Vidia told her. " Silvermist! Timmy fell down a well!"

Sil gasped in horror. "He did?! What can we do?"

"Quick, run to the farmhouse and fetch grandpa!"

"Right away!" Silvermist flew out of the room hurriedly trying to find the farmhouse and save Timmy. Spike just face palmed. Everyone else in the room just groaned.

"Unbelievable," Spike said.

"Wait for it," Vidia replied.

Silvermist flew back into the great hall and asked, "Where is the farmhouse?"

"_There is…no… farmhouse!"_ Iridessa yelled. "Vidia is just playing head games with you again."

"And I'm winning 557 to 0," the flyer quipped.

Silvermist glared daggers at the purple clad fairy. Periwinkle just shook her head while Vidia and Spike laughed their heads off.

"Can we just get back to the book?" Fawn said.

"I say we leave it here, it looks nasty," Iridessa suggested.

"Hmmm, well there is a summary on the back cover," Peri said. "Let me read it. 'If the first thing you and your-."

"WAIT!" Gliss cried out. "WHAT ABOUT TIMMY? HE FELL DOWN A WELL, REMEMBER?"

Vidia's mouth fell open.

"Say hello to my Silvermist," Spike said.

"Ignore them, go ahead, Peri," she said.

"_If the first thing you and your lover do when you get into bed is fall asleep, this book is for you_," she said reading from the back cover. "_Plumbed from sources all over the world these pages will help to reinvigorate your love lives. Included is everything from simple foreplay for arousing your partner's desire to the kinkiest, most outrage_-."

"Stop!" Iridessa yelled. "I don't want to hear anymore. Can we forget the book and do something else?"

"I'm with Des on this one," Fawn said. "I'm getting pretty weirded out by this thing."

"I'd like to find out who ordered this," Tinker Bell said. "What kind of filthy mind would actually _want_ that kind book?"

"Hi, girls," came a familiar voice. Rosetta and her hubby Sled arrived in the hall. "Sorry we're late, we… oh great my book arrived."

"ROSETTA!?" they all said, shocked.

"Y-You ordered this?" Iridessa asked, sounding both astonished _and_ disturbed at the same time.

"Oh yeah, it took forever just find it," she said. "You wouldn't believe the funny looks we got when we started asking around for something like this. Even Amazon refused to carry it."

"Why?" Tinker Bell asked, her voice gave the impression she was going to regret the answer.

"Rosetta can get bored with repetition in the bedroom," Sled answered. "She needs a little variety and spice. We've tried a few things and it's been fun. We aren't doing anything strange, mind you, but something different to get away from the same old, same old."

He made it sound so innocuous. The book couldn't have been more different. At least that was how it sounded from the back cover. Maybe all that stuff was just to get someone to buy the book. Of course, Rosetta did say it was hard to find and that even Amazon didn't carry it, or was that 'wouldn't?'

"Spice doesn't cover half of it," the redhead said. "I'm a fiery garden fairy and I need someone who can keep up." Then she leaned over to Fawn and whispered. "He's good, but Sled still needs a lot of help to get me satisfied the way I want."

"Gee, thanks," Fawn answered, clearly wishing she hadn't heard that.

The two inspected the cover, read the back and seemed generally pleased with their purchase. They started flipping through some of the first few pages. Sled put his hand to his chin looking as if deep in thought.

"What about this one?" he asked his wife. "Number five looks interesting."

"_Interestin_'? Oh sugarplum, that's for people who don't even know how to take their own clothes off."

The spitfire redhead started flipping closer to the middle. Then she pointed to something. "There, number thirty-eight!"

Sled recoiled in abject horror. "THAT?! Are you serious? Rosetta, I don't even think that's possible."

The garden fairy scowled at her husband and lover. "We've got wings, Sled. It's very possible. _Now c'mon! It's bedtime_." Rosetta took Sled by the hand and started _dragging him_ to the door of the hall.

"Wow," Fawn whispered to Iridessa, "I thought _he_ wore the leggings in the relationship. Poor Sled has been fairy pecked."

"Uh, Ro, why don't we talk this over?" Sled asked fearfully.

Rosetta spun around, stuck her face into his and screamed. "_Don't you love me anymore?! Don't you want me to be happy?!_"

"Of course I do," Sled responded, his voice trembling at her verbal assault.

"Oh, Sled," she cooed. Rosetta put her head on his chest and batted her eyelashes at him.

He put his arm on her shoulders and said, "Anything for you, Ro."

The girls were stunned into total silence. It was as if Rosetta was a completely different person. They didn't recognize her anymore. She used to be such a prim and proper garden fairy. She never got her hands dirty, couldn't stand mud and was very concerned with her reputation. Then she got married and Pandora's Box opened on their honeymoon. Since then Rosetta had become an obsessive, sex crazed fiend whose insatiable appetite just kept growing and growing.

Rosetta then turned and fluttered out the door, Sled following behind like a dutiful suitor. "NOW LET'S GET CRACKIN'! We've got a lot of practicin' ahead of us and for some reason it takes you forever to learn this stuff."

At that exact moment, Sled turned around to face the girls and with a HUGE and SILLY grin on his face gave them a big nod and two thumbs up.

Tinker Bell and her friends cracked up into peals of laughter. "I guess you were wrong," Iridessa told Fawn.

"Who is playing who in that house?" Spike asked.

The girls began to suspect that both Sled and Rosetta were sex crazed and that they were, in fact, perfect for each other.

"Ugh, well I guess they won't be joining us today," Tinker Bell observed. "So what are we going to do?"

"Why don't we the owls for a flight around Never Land?" Periwinkle suggested. "It's so much fun when you don't have to worry about doing the flying yourself."

"What about tobogganing?" Silvermist said. "That's always fun."

"Hey, guys," Gliss interjected. "We just built a new ski jump. Just like the ones you see in the Olympics."

"Yeah!" Fawn approved.

"I'm in," Iridessa added.

"Vidia? What about you and Spike?" Tinker Bell asked.

She didn't answer.

"Vidia?"

The fast flyer and her pal Spike were looking at the book, trying to understand number 38. They had craned their necks to the left and then to the right and then back to the left.

"YOWZA!" Vidia blurted out. They both looked at each other with big grins and gleeful looks.

"Vidia?" called to her again.

Then the two girls sprinted for the door yelling out to the garden fairy and winter animal sparrow man.

"Rosetta! Wait!"

"You look tired!"

"Yeah, we'll help him practice!"

"Take the day off!"

"The whole week if you want!"

When the pair reached the door Rosetta and Sled were nowhere to be found. "Great, we missed 'em."

Slush happened to drift by lazily.

"I saw him first! He's mine!" Vidia shouted.

"He's from my side of the border, I get dibs," Spike roared back.

"Dib this!" Vidia shouted pushing Spike into the snow.

"Oka-ay, …that was weird," Fawn said.

"Why don't we get out of here before anything else strange happens," Tinker Bell suggested. She and her remaining friends flittered out and headed towards the new ski jump.

**~O~**

Several minutes late, Milori entered the room and happened across the book. He saw the strange looking mailing label and started to flip through its pages. He quirked an eyebrow, then his eyes got huge. _My stars, how did this smut get here?_ he asked himself.

Queen Clarion had entered the room, but Milori hadn't noticed. She found him flipping through that book and saw many of the photos and diagrams.

Milori turned around to see his wife looking over his shoulder.

"Dear," Milori asked, "have you any-." POW! Clarion slapped Milori so hard he crumpled to the floor.

"Never in a million years!" she said in a voice dripping with contempt. Then she turned, held her head high with all the dignity she could muster and left the room.

"…what just happened?"


End file.
